<![CDATA[pirihirajames

sixteen

the less said the better
poor choices
tough decisions
no support
decided to save myself & in the process save you too my little darling
it kinda backfired we now know
but faaaarkk gotta cut us some slack
we did the best we could
i have never doubted that we made the right decision
oceans of love
always

bad behaviour

holy shitballs
is there ever a time that I’m not in trouble, of some kind, for misbehaving !
and if no-one else does
I’ll berate myself for something stupid I did, or said, or didn’t do, or was, or am, or …
because
the world is full of ridiculousness
and
i.just.can’t.help.myself

the secret

i really don’t like secrets
don’t like having them
can’t be bothered keeping them

especially not for someone else

i gave them up when i was 17
too much pressure
too big a burden

it all seemed like such a waste of time & energy

decades later i heard someone say
‘not my monkey - not my circus’
i like to remember that

i like the freedom

Idol Worship || Idle Practice

Nope !
Absolutely not !
Not something I ever did.
I admired a few humans
those whose took a stand especially
those who actually did make a difference
I was too cynical
I looked for the cracks which inevitably I found
made them humans

Stranger Danger

I am fortunate to have always found the stranger who was trust worthy
the one who took us underground in Cappadocia
the one who picked us up hitchhiking in the Rocky Mountains
the one who guided us safely & gently thru Kashmir
the man I fell in love with
Twice

Bestie

I remember the year I grew an inch taller than you
Was that the beginning of the end
It was definitely the start of divergence
I feel certain you’re still an amazing person who has navigated her way thru life til now
I see your younger sister sometimes and that makes me smile
I remember the good parts of being a young kid
Of running & jumping & skipping & playing
Oh & my god
Your mum made the best bacon & egg pie !

All I ever wanted

this one is a hard one
there’s always been tomorrow
or when …
there are a few times I would have liked to have been ‘normal’
calm
contemplative
but I got dealt the more spontaneous, explosive, expressive gene
the one that others are always trying to squash down
a bit like my sproingy hair
the gene that means you can’t hide your feelings

i actually didn’t realise that I didn’t ‘look’ Māori

it never occurred to me
that it was even a 'thing'

and then my sister dropped that bomb
she said it didn’t matter that I didn't know enough & felt out of place at a hui
that I didn’t need to contribute anything
that i could just stand at the back with the other pākehā
& no one would be any the wiser

my confidence shattered into tiny pieces
i didn't feel lucky
i felt personally aggrieved

until I walked alongside Dad on the journey to the end of his life
and saw first hand
the inequities in every single system

the inequities that are based solely on how you look and the colour of your skin

i have never felt so ashamed in all my life
of this ridiculous system we live in
which judges & dismisses with just a glance

i have never felt less Māori in all my life

i am invisible
i can fly under the radar
i am just an aging white woman

i contemplate moko kauae

too white to be Māori
too Māori to be white

i have wrapped myself in a protective cloak
and now
it is closed so tightly around my chest & shoulders
it is suffocating me

in the past I didn’t care

I danced when no one else danced
I sang when no one else sang
I smiled when no one else smiled
I raged & cried for others, with others
a voice for those without voice

i thought it was about freedom

with Dad’s passing my freedom was given back to me and I have cloaked myself in doubt

some days i see her sitting just out of reach
i call to her & she glances back at me

on a good day she smiles & waves