in the past
kererū have collided with our windows & have kinda 'bounced off'  - albeit with a huge thump
so it sounds ridiculous to say that i never imagined one would hit so hard

​that it would die
​
the kererū was being chased by a kāhu
it was flying super fast
and in it's efforts to take a short cut to 'save it's life' 

our window ended it's life

I have never seen anything so beautiful
and simultaneously so wrong
as this dead bird

we have buried our kererū
over by the Tawa 
where they used to sit

i gathered the downy feathers
which were being blown by the wind
and made a korowai

for the kererū

to be honest this year i have struggled
 about identity
   about life

it's a tough road to walk this LIFE thing 
so many toes to step on
my feet adept at doing so 

happiness fleeting 
i've dug deep 
i'm out of the mire

transitions
confusion
​
other's expectations
other's disappointments

confusion

i'm glad it's over

at the beginning of the month i took part in a writing exercise organised by Maya Stein which is called
letters-to-my-former-selves
best to go there for further info
it was amazing 
Maya is amazing & her guided writing adventures are everything you could ever want - or not want but do anyway . . .

sixteen 

the less said the better
poor choices
tough decisions 
no support 
decided to save myself & in the process save you too my little darling 
it kinda backfired we now know 
but faaaarkk gotta cut us some slack 
we did the best we could 
i have never doubted that we made the right decision 
oceans of love 
always 


bad behaviour 

holy shitballs 
is there ever a time that I’m not in trouble, of some kind, for misbehaving !
and if no-one else does 
I’ll berate myself for something stupid I did, or said, or didn’t do, or was, or am, or …
because 
the world is full of ridiculousness
and 
i.just.can’t.help.myself


the secret

i really don’t like secrets
don’t like having them 
can’t be bothered keeping them 

especially not for someone else 

i gave them up when i was 17
too much pressure 
too big a burden 

it all seemed like such a waste of time & energy

decades later i heard someone say 
‘not my monkey - not my circus’
i like to remember that

i like the freedom


Idol Worship || Idle Practice

Nope ! 
Absolutely not ! 
Not something I ever did. 
I admired a few humans
those who took a stand especially 
those who actually did make a difference 
I was too cynical 
I looked for the cracks which inevitably I found 
made them humans 


Stranger Danger 

I am fortunate to have always found the stranger who was trust worthy
the one who took us underground in Cappadocia 
the one who picked us up hitchhiking in the Rocky Mountains
the one who guided us safely & gently thru Kashmir
the man I fell in love with
Twice 


Bestie

I remember the year I grew an inch taller than you
Was that the beginning of the end
It was definitely the start of divergence 
I feel certain you’re still an amazing person who has navigated her way thru life til now
I see your younger sister sometimes and that makes me smile
I remember the good parts of being a young kid 
Of running & jumping & skipping & playing 
Oh & my god
Your mum made the best bacon & egg pie !


All I ever wanted

this one is a hard one 
there’s always been tomorrow 
or when …
there are a few times I would have liked to have been ‘normal’
calm
contemplative 
but I got dealt the more spontaneous, explosive, expressive gene
the one that others are always trying to squash down
a bit like my sproingy hair
the gene that means you can’t hide your feelings

i actually didn’t realise that I didn’t ‘look’ Māori 

it never occurred to me 
that it was even a 'thing'

and then my sister dropped that bomb 
she said it didn’t matter that I didn't know enough & felt out of place at a hui 
that I didn’t need to contribute anything 
that i could just stand at the back with the other pākehā
& no one would be any the wiser 

my confidence shattered into tiny pieces
i didn't feel lucky 
​i felt personally aggrieved 

until I walked alongside Dad on the journey to the end of his life
and saw first hand
the inequities in every single system 

the inequities that are based solely on how you look and the colour of your skin 

i have never felt so ashamed in all my life 
of this ridiculous system we live in
which judges & dismisses with just a glance

i have never felt less Māori in all my life 

i am invisible
i can fly under the radar 
i am just an aging white woman

i contemplate moko kauae 

too white to be Māori
too Māori to be white

i have wrapped myself in a protective cloak 
and now 
it is closed so tightly around my chest & shoulders
it is suffocating me

in the past I didn’t care

I danced when no one else danced 
I sang when no one else sang 
I smiled when no one else smiled 
I raged & cried for others, with others 
a voice for those without voice 

i thought it was about freedom 

with Dad’s passing my freedom was given back to me and I have cloaked myself in doubt

some days i see her sitting just out of reach  
i call to her & she glances back at me 

on a good day she smiles & waves 
​