as we get closer & closer to ‘normal’ i feel less expansive, less free … almost like I’m being suffocated or stifled or constrained 

i want to stand on a mountain & scream into the wind with joy
however i know that if i were to stand on that mountain i would scream
& my scream would turn to tears
& i would fall to my knees & be overcome by grief 

perhaps because i’m so uncomfortable in their ‘normal’
perhaps because i so desperately crave change …

i need to find the change in me 
i need to find the joy in me 
i need to find the ease in me 
i need to find the expansiveness in me
i need to find the breath in me 

i need to breathe

noise has returned
extraneous, intrusive, background, foreground
the noise of people going about their business
getting back to normal

strangely this makes me sad

the queue of people waiting to enter the shop goes round the block 
we decide to leave it for another day
the hand sanitiser at the supermarket smells like straight bourbon
people are close to me
i am the only one smiling
the grocery packer is back at the checkout
i realise all this time i could have been using my card & collecting airpoints
but where would we go anyway

this also makes me sad

they changed the rules 
when we weren't watching
some have been given too much power 
we have been denied the opportunity to govern ourselves . . . again
we have been denied the opportunity to care for ourselves . . . again
it seems we cannot be trusted 
​& yet we trusted 

this breaks me

An interesting thing
​A day to celebrate mothers

I often wonder am I a mother worth celebrating ?
I have ended up with the most wonderful daughter but really did I actually have anything much to do with that ?
was she destined to always be a lovely person ?
I think she was. 
I have decided this mother's day to celebrate my daughter 
Lets face it, as a mother I can do whatever I want - its my day hahahahaha

My lovely friend sent me a link to this nell-anne-quilt-project 
The project has come about because Nell, an Australian artist who was going to come to do a residency at McCahon House is now unable to due to Covid19.  
Her plan was to run a series of workshops while she was here & instead this quilt project has become an online event. At the moment there is no particular end date so grab a needle, some thread & a scrap of fabric, choose a name & start stitching. 

I decided to embroider my daughter’s name as my contribution to the #nellannequilt 
Kate was named after my Nanna who was Katherine 
Nanna was called Kitty by her contemporaries so I Imagine Kitty was the common diminutive at that time.
​
Kate is Kathryn because I prefer that spelling & it’s just occurred to me that I don’t know the origin of the spelling I prefer nor even the origin of Nanna’s spelling of Katherine
It was, & will always be, about connections 

Kate never knew Kitty tho i suspect they would have enjoyed each other’s company.  
Kitty was a bit cold & hard around the edges - a product of the times she lived in perhaps 
Kate, on the other hand, is warm & gentle around the edges

I’m also pretty sure I didn’t really know my Nanna; that’s not how it works with your grandparents is it ? 
It’s about feelings
It’s about memories
It’s about love
oh & smells . . . it’s definitely about smells 

Then at some stage it occurs to you that it has become about the future

Kate is the future 
Kitty is the past
I am simply the one in the middle. 
The one who carries the past through the present & hands it on to the future

This was fun to do . . . once I'd chosen Kate's name.
I simply wrote her name in pencil & then wrote it again with my biggest fattest sharpie.
​I used a light box to trace the outline of the letters so that I got empty block letters which I then transferred on to a piece of fabric, chose the thread I liked & embroidered it over a couple of days.
And I'm so glad I did.