The working title for this blog post was 'The Sum Total of Half Heartedness : July 2020' as I reached the end of the month feeling pretty despondent about what I didn't get done in July.
The pile of half finished things seemed (& still seems) to be growing at a faster rate than the completed things. It is such a vicious, soul-destroying pastime to focus on what you haven't finished & yet I'm doing it a lot lately.

I decided to actually 'add it up & see'

'The Sum Total of Half Heartedness : July 2020'

3 stitched coins
2 stitched samplers on cardstock
1 handmade & embroidered lunch bag
4 stitched people
1 knitted hat
1/2 a stitched blue embroidery
2 x 1/2 stitched muka embroideries
1 small stitched muka sampler
cast on a shawl to knit
took 14 opportunities for wild writing practice 

Of course, there are also all the projects I started from May & June & although this list doesn't include them it is actually the sum total of all of them which leads to that feeling of  despair. 

BUT the thing of most concern is my attitude ! I mean, REALLY, what is the point ?!

Here's what I know:
I know my energy is low 
I know my attitude sucks
I know I'm tired & tire easily
I know I just wanna do something . . . anything 
I know, I know, I know !

Here's what I've worked out:
I'm back at the beginning of the spiral
I'm enjoying books - the reading of, the purchasing of, the hidden delights of
which means
I'm researching again
which means 
I'm on the scent of something again
which means 
I have to keep going
I have to relax & follow my lead
I have to trust it will become evident eventually 
AND
I have to pull my head out of the hole & enjoy the process ha
does that sound familiar ?

I'm always saying I'm a process driven artist - it's not about the outcome blah, blah, blah
wtf
I have to believe that that is true
because it is true 

And the process is not pulling teeth (thankfully) so it doesn't have to feel like pulling teeth !
​
And we are allowed to take our rowboat into the middle of the lake.
We are allowed to stop rowing.
​We can lie back in the boat, feel the sun warm our winter cold skin, feel the boat bobbing around on the calm water, knowing we've packed a picnic & a thermos which we will get to eventually and everything will be ok if we close our eyes & rest for a while . . . .

because we tied the oars on before we fell asleep ;) 

The other day I heard someone say it was too late to be bothered changing or starting something new
‘I’m 40 years old’, she said
You could hear the resignation in her voice - her certainty.  

I remember Dad saying the same thing when he was around 40 years old … and that was over 40 years ago. 

Why do we want to give ourselves a ‘best before’ date ?
A ‘use-by’ date which has nothing what so ever to do with our life time nor our mortality. 

I too have been wondering about what’s next. 
Is there even a ‘next’ ?
Is this it ? 
Is it too late to start again - again. 
🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Easy to say ‘No, of course not’                
Harder to know where to begin
              

Important Info:
​Both hats are knit in Maniototo Aran weight wool
Both hats are designed by Laura Nelkin 
The books in the stack are from our local library